Canary sings opening anthem. Members take their branches.
Reports of Window killings continue to mount. Blue Jay tells harrowing tale of being tricked into bashing into a Window that was cleverly posing as another angry Blue Jay. Tells story four times before Starling ushers him out of the meeting.
Cats remain public enemy #1, followed by Humans, Dogs, Windows and Ceiling Fans.
Owl asks “Whoooo has new business.” No one even smiles. Of course, no one is able to smile even if they wanted to. Mockingbird does manage to mock. Owl’s feathers are ruffled.
Concerns are raised that Birds are losing ground to Sharks as most frightening creatures on the planet. Canadian Geese point out that they brought down one of the Human’s “metal birds” as recently as 2009. American Bald Eagle comments that the metal bird crash was due more to the Canadian’s dopey trusting nature than any well-planned assault. Geese insist there is nothing dopey about them, pointing out that it was Geese who invented the “V” formation that reduces flying drag by up to 65%. Eagles accuse Geese of planting 65% “V” formation statistic on Wikipedia. Argument ensues.
Cardinal mentions she overheard Bears bragging that their recent spate of maulings stole the Nielson Ratings fire from all the other animals and that it was the most brilliant Bear PR move since their movie, Grizzly Man. Thrush says Grizzly Man shouldn’t count because Timothy Treadwell was a bona fide loon. Loons are offended. Argument ensues.
African Grey Parrot points out that Hippos, Crocodiles, Snakes, Bugs, Cows, Horses, Dogs, Ants, Bees and even Jellyfish kill more people each year than Birds, and that considering ourselves “killing machines” is irrational at best. Everyone stares at Parrot, and, realizing she’s made her point in English, she repeats her observation in Birdish. In response, Crow throws a Blu-Ray copy of Hitchcock’s The Birds at African Grey. A fight erupts. Finally, Owl demands Woodpecker do that insane head-jackhammer thing into the podium twenty times and regains order.
Emu suggests putting a Cassowary in charge of a new “Most Dangerous Birds” subcommittee, but in the end, all present are too terrified to find Cassowary and ask.
Falcon offers to rip a Human’s eyes out sometime in the coming week. A vote is taken and the Ayes have it.
Everyone notices that both the snacks and the Sea Gulls have gone missing.
Red-Footed Boobie offers an idea, but the more immature members laugh so hard after his introduction that his remarks go unrecorded.
In the middle of scheduling our next meeting, Magpie imitates a dog barking and everyone scatters. A vote is taken, and Magpie is ousted from the League with a 125 to 3 vote, the three Nays being Parrots, who argued the prank was all in good fun. Everyone goes back to the meeting area, except the Chickens who refuse to return.
Vulture asks for it to be noted that we’re all going to die.
Penguin finally shows up just as meeting ends, citing lack of flight as his excuse. Again.
Swans sing closing anthem.
Amy Vansant (@kidfreeliving) is the author of the KidFreeLiving.com humor magazine, freelance writer, author and shameless crispy chicken skin aficionado.